Next Step

Hi everyone so I’d just like to let y’all know that I just recently finished my entrance exam for Bryant & Stratton (Online). I will be hopefully starting online schooling in June. I will be going for an Associates degree in Social work since I LOVE helping people I thought it was the perfect thing for me. Anyways the thing is its really not what I want to do. I mean I want to get a degree and go to college (that’s why I took the steps to getting in) but what I really want well….I really want to be a stay at home mom/wife. Though I can’t really do that when I don’t have kids or even a boyfriend. It just scares me honestly that no one will be supportive of what I want to do. I want my family to be happy with me and my accomplishments but honestly it just feels like what I do isn’t good enough especially with my sister in the Navy and living in Japan. She also has a boyfriend. It just seems like things are going back to how they were growing up my sister gets the attention she is better then me. Not only does she have all that stuff going for her but she is also eating healthier and working out. Me well I try but with my schedule it usually doesn’t last very long……you know what I’m not going to think like that because honestly what my family and everyone else thinks truly doesn’t matter its what I want to do with my life and as long as I’M happy then everything is fine. As for my sister I’m honestly proud of here and besides its not like I’m sitting around waiting for a guy no if I have to I’ll get a degree I mean that’s what I’m doing. I know I’ve said this before but if anyone is going through something and you feel like no one is listening to you I’m always open I mean I have a life but if someone needs my help or just needs someone to talk to I’ll drop everything because after trying to kill myself I realized my ultimate goal in life is to help people through theirs (by that I mean their life). I’m pretty sure I gave my number out in one of the posts so I’m definitely up to message anyone. I’ve done it before in fact I made a friend and I listen and talk to her because I know how alone the world and sometimes people can make you feel. Well that’s all I have to say for now talk to y’all later. Bye.

Getting to the Point

I realized that I completely forgot to say what the whole point of this blog is. So the point of this blog is to share my battles through life, how I got through the trials, and how I became who I am today. I won’t only be sharing that but also sharing how I feel about certain things and such as this. This blog is also made to help people. I love giving advice and listening to others’ stories. My goal in life is to help people through whatever pain and problems they may be going through if I could I would honestly take the pain from everyone else and place it on myself but that isn’t really possible so I thought well this is the next best thing. So if anyone would like to contact me for advice or just to talk to someone about what may be going on in your life my phone number is (757) 376-7125. I will also be making posts to support those with mental illnesses, and well any illnesses which includes things like epilepsy, cancer, diabetes and so forth. Thanks so much and welcome to my blog. 😊

The Beginning

Sooooo since this is my life story I decided that I should probably start from the very beginning. I was born along with my Identical twin sister in Grand Rapids, MI on the 23rd of January in the year of 99. Even as a baby I found out from my mom that our father never did anything with us or for us our mother was the one that cared for us and made sure we were safe and happy. She did a really good job of that by the way. Anyways we didn’t spend very long in Michigan after being born moved to Bossier, LA due to the fact that our father was in the military. After moving to Louisiana we ended up staying their for quite a few years and during those years my sister and I being young saw our dad with another women and of course us being children we told our mom because we didn’t think anything of it at that time. Also during our time there my sister and I almost drowned because our father told us to stand in the water to the point were it was just above our heads the only reason we lived was because our mother jumped in the water to save us. From then on our parents relationship was consistent fighting. It tore my sister and I apart especially since our father was an alcoholic and we were terrified he would hurt us or our mom well we were right but that’s for later on. My sister and I would sit in our rooms hold each other and cry every time they would fight which was ALL the time (no exaggeration). We after those few years moved to Italy and things didn’t really change it was the same thing…. Next stop after 2 years in Italy we went to Wyoming (sorry I don’t quite remember all the dates that’s why I keep saying a few years….sorry again). Wyoming was where everything got ruined. The fighting just got worse and worse and worse but that wasn’t all my father at that time started picking favorites between my sister and I…. He chose my sister who as we got older started bullying me and choosing her friends over me. So at that time I began to have the mind set that I have to be better then my sister everything I do has to outrun my sister. I had to be more athletic then her, I had to be smarter then her, I had to have more talent then her…. literally my whole point of life in that moment was to strive to out best my sister. Eveytime I failed it was the worst feeling I felt like a failure like I could never do anything right. What made things worse was when I had an accident and I flew over a scooter and landed face first on the sidewalk. When I got in the house I was crying (of course) and my face had blood everywhere and yet own father had the guts to say it was my fault and sit their ppl aying a video game while my mom got me ready and drove me by herself to the hospital. At that point I started wondering does he care? Well I found out that he only cared about himself. My parents eventually got a divorce leading to who would get us at what time and what days. I went with my dad while my sister went with my mom. I had hope that there was something good in him yea well that all went out the window when one of the nights while both me and my sister were with him we went out to eat at Applebees. As we left he had gotten food to take home for his girlfriend at that time and well I had set it on the dashboard and it fell off when we were taking a sharp turn…. He slapped my arm because I accidently dropped food. Then he tried making an excuse saying he was reaching for the food when it was literally on the opposite side of me and the arm he slapped. I cried so hard I was hurt and scared when I got home I took a picture of where he hit me and you could clearly see a purple and black mark where he had slapped me. I then called my parents not knowing what else to do. They called the cops but nothing happened he didn’t get arrested and the next day I had to go back… He blamed me saying I shouldn’t have said anything because he had apologized. Next thing I knew we moved with our mom who had just started dating a man named Justin who we would soon begin to call dad (he was more of a dad to us so we called him that instead of stepdad). We moved back to Louisiana and I’ll be honest I was in the best moments of my life their my faith was at an ultimate high and I was rarely ever upset. Then came the day we moved to Norfolk, VA. I honestly wish I had never moved because I came to Virginia and things just got terrible. I came to find out that my dad had a new family a girlfriend who had a son. He never called us and well one day I decided to call him and he didn’t know what I wanted to be. It was sad because growing up I had said I’d always wanted to be a professional singer or a teacher. I blew up. After that I did the hardest thing in my entire life I called him and told him I was sorry and that I hope has the best life possible. I started crying after that call it really hurt it was pretty my saying goodbye for the last time. Things just got worse though I ended up getting harassed by someone I thought was my friend as well as got stabbed in the back multiple times by my so called “friends”. Eventually I got to my last year of high school and things just fell into a down spiral. I was constantly depressed because I felt that I had to be perfect otherwise no one not even my family would love me and I once more began thinking I was a failure I dispised myself. Occasionally I would sit in my closet listening to depressing music and crying. It didn’t get better in fact it got to the point where I was thinking of killing myself every single day. Then came the day it happened. My sister, her boyfriend, and I had got to an anime convention where we spent two days in a hotel. She did something stupid (I won’t say exactly because she is my sister and I love and respect her). So we came home and I talked to my parents about what she had done not because I’m a tattle tail but because I was trying to protect her. She got something taken away that made her super sad. I felt terrible afterwards and went in her room to cheer her up and she said she didn’t need me anymore and that’s when the little piece of hope and fight I had left broke I was hurt because she was all I had left it’s why I hadn’t attempted suicide but after that….well I went into the bathroom, turned on depressing music, and started downing pills but the whole time I would take short pauses hoping someone would come. Eventually my sister did she called my mom who called 911. That night I ended up going to the hospital in an ambulance where the pumped my stomach. After that I was sent to a mental hospital where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I spent a few days there it was terrible it was all white I felt like I was going crazy or insane. I got released. I could say things went back to normal but they didn’t I still have problems with depression and anxiety I have panic attacks when I get super stressed about things happening in my life. I keep going though I will never try to killyself again. In fact after all of that I applied to college where I was accepted. I graduated high school with honors. I took 1 full semester at Wisconsin Lutheran College where I met some true ffriends who I know won’t turn on me. I had to get out though because I couldn’t afford it. It was waaayyyy too expensive. So I moved back home where I found a full time job babysitting and everything changed I am now waiting to go to college so I can firstly learn to drive, save up money and figure out what I want to do with my life. Some advice; sometimes the best thing you can do is take time for yourself. I am now a live in Nanny, am learning to drive and saving up money. I’m proud and my mom is proud of me my dad not so much but I know it’s only because he is worried about me and wants me to succeed. Thanks for listening. Talk to y’all later.

(Also father is my biological dad while dad is my stepdad)

Me and My sister Casey as babies
Me, My mom, Sister, and Dad (or stepdad)
Casey, Me and Dad on our parents wedding day
My sister and I ready for Prom
Mom, me and casey at our graduation
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